Happy July!
July is my favorite month of the year! There are a couple of reasons for this, it is my birthday month, and it is summer. Leo season also begins at the end of the month and there is an underlying optimism and overall sense that something good can happen at any time. Maybe it’s the warm weather or maybe it's the long summer nights. It feels like life is full of possibilities despite the challenging times we are living through.
Last week, I did not feel this cheery. In fact, I cried a lot. I woke up crying, my eyes would get teary at work, and I had to fight them off as I felt a tightness in my chest. I cried myself to sleep for several nights. My sadness was brought on by the horrific kidnappings, humiliation and inhumane treatment being done to brown people, my people, in the United States. And more extremely happening in Los Angeles.
Every day I see videos of innocent people being brutally detained in my city by men in masks. They are pushed to the floor, with their face and bodies against concrete floors. Some struggle and fight while 2-3 men beat them down. Some are calm and allow themselves to be taken. Some are arrested for filming and protecting their people. Some of them born in the United States, being targeted for their brown skin.
I never thought I would live through this, and I can’t believe that I am. I live in fear that the same thing could happen to me at any time. I could get pulled over, or be stopped when going into a store, at my place of work, or when I take my lunch break walks. So now I carry my fanny pack with my American passport in it, just in case. I used to think it would be ok if I just showed them my passport. But now I’m not so sure. Because to them it is about gathering a quota of brown people. That’s all it is. There are videos of these so-called “ice agents” laughing about how they captured “them”. It is disgusting to see and humiliating.
The people who they detain are individuals at work, or in immigration offices, or selling ice cream or food on the street. The Los Angeles streets now feel empty where vendors used to thrive. These are people who have come here to create a better life for themselves and the families they help back home. Their only crime is being brown. Their only crime is looking like what society has labeled “illegal”. But who’s land is this anyway?
I have contemplated peacefully going back to El Salvador, even though I am an American citizen. I don’t like living in this fear. And I don’t like my tax dollars contributing to this disaster. I don’t like living where I can be captured and taken to some unknown detention center where I will not be able to sleep or eat. Where I will be with others also suffering. And while this possibility exists, I choose to stay here. I do not want fear to make my decision. If I moved back, I would be giving up my career as a medical professional that I have worked very hard for. I would be surrendering my livelihood. I would give up my home and my friends. I am not willing to do that right now.
So, I will remain in fear while others laugh or worse cheer at what is happening to us. Or turn a blind eye and remain silent about the injustices happening to brown people in the United States of America.
I will be turning 50 years old this month and still hopeful that something good can happen, even to us brown people.
Thanks for reading,
Lili